Memories (and you may all go and decide I'm a nerd now- I'm still a proud one.)

In these past days, two unrelated yet very related memories came back to me.

First one I remembered the other day (I actually think it was yesterday, but my perception of time is so very messed up lately, I can never know). I was FB texting the Firetruck (that annoying being- I can only picture his stupid perpetual smile, but everytime I talk to him he is crossed, or sarcastic, or sad, or an emo, or not happy in any other way. And he is too amazing for that shit)and at one point he said the following:

"[P]oor you, spending your time in an studyship you chose in order to find a job you love."

And it reminded me. it remimded me of my 20 year old "self" (who was barely a self at all), that miserable thing, being put to study English without even being asked about it. Of course I didn't say a thing, because, well, I do love what I am doing, but I remembered, I felt. I felt the urge to escape that life people were shaping for me without my consent, I remembered hating it and everybody so much.

That's my first memory.

My second memory arised after the community reunion this morning, or maybe two weeks ago. There exists this omnipresent talkative neighbour (she tends to be there when my mother's reserve is saving me some embarrasment, and likes to compensate), and my birthday is about to come, so of course she started relating her -very reshaped- memories of my childhood. And it brought my own back.
She was narrating how much I loved being cared for by her daughter and how happy I was at those times, and it made me picture myself being happy while I did that that made me happy.
I... developed writing systems, inventing their symbold, deciding what sounds were and were not represented (for they were writing systems for imagined languagues), and which ones were to be written in dygraphs.
I also read enciclopaedia entries and investigated the evolution of letters and their different shapes in the écritures of old times. I looked at them and enjoyed the fascination they made me feel.
I asked my mom to write things for me using greek letters so that I could decipher it.
I read Asterix comics in French to try and grasp some of the meaning.
I searched the internet for a glossary of Old Irish words (who wan't modenr languages when there is obsolete ones abound?) and memorised them.
I read an old Latin diccionary and copied down words that I found interesting.


I lived for them, for all the words in all the languages, for all the ways in which both changed, chifted, evolved, all this time.

I quote Christabel LaMotte now.

"Words have been all my life, all my life."

hi

So...
(wow, I wasn't aware I hadn't written here for such a long time)
Well...

Actually, I had been thiking of posting some ideas here for the last few days but I had eventually decided not to because there is nothing to gain from "ohmygodmylifesuckssobadI'msomiserable" posts.

But then today life sucked worse that usually, and I still wanted to be a good girl, but my friends wouldn't help me, and suddenly I found myself changin my fb profile picture for one in which I was 14 and suicidal, and then writing a post/joke about my fb page being suicidal itself (in which, for the record, I encouraged it to be strong and not kill itself).

And friends, a friend, one very dear friend who has been really helpful and good to me before, well, him, couldn't think of anything else to do but scol me for laughing at suicide when I'm only just trying hard to ridiculize the idea of my own suicide, because, as it happens, I do wish I wasn't alive. And it's just that it made me feel so bad, because he, well, maybe it was just me being paranoid, but my sensation has been that he wasn't being any great lately, and God, it would help if he were.

So whatever.
Suicide humour sucks, yeah, exactly as much as being me does, and I'm fucking free to laugh at it if I want to, the last thing I need is people making me feel worse.

bye

there's a bunch of stuff that scares me.

Even now, when being in love feels great no matter how unrequited it is (apparently not too much), it terrifies me.

Wasting my only chance to make you love me terrifies me,
Letting you fade away from my life terrifies me,
Screwing our friendship up terrifies me,
Taking steps towards you without your previous consent terrrifies me,
Using pressure until you can not scape terrifies me,
Making you run away terrifies me,
Letting go of you terrifies me,
Repenting terrifies me,
Being so afraid terrifies me,
Not being able to tell what I feel and how I feel it terrifies me,
Feeling this much terrifies me,
The way my friends talk about my terror terrifies me,
Crying about it terrifies me,
The closeness of the day when you'll leave terrifies me,
Not being here when you go terrifies me,
Never getting to kiss you terrifies me,
Not being the one for you if you are the one for me terrifies me,
The estructural deepness of the difference between liking you and liking all the other people I've liked terrifies me,
The cozyness of your gaze terrifies me,
Letting go of your hugs terrifies me,
Dissaponting you terrifies me,
It all terrifies me...

... so much that my body just stop working.

And that terrifies me, too.

I hate it when people does things for me without me asking and they do them in the wrong way.

Like, you know, there's this guy who apparently likes me a lot, and yeah I also kind of like him, and he asked me to be his girlfriend but I said "no" because I was leaving, and the moment was not the best to explain things so I just said no.
And this morning he went to the restaurant before I was there and my mom told him I'm leaving.

So when I arrived he's looked at me with a sad look and he's said "So your leaving" and I said "Yes" and he asked "for how long" and I said "minimum 7 months" and his look's turned even sadder.

And shit.

(And yeah, this is me whining and I'm sorry about that but I needed to split it out)

may it be just that?

I think I've already said somewhere that I always thought of love as curiosity towards someone. Well, not really love but just liking someone, or feeling atracted by someone. But I thought it was just me, or maybe something related to my vivid interests.
So, you know what? I'm reading a manga (I'm not going to share any details about it just because... yet if someone is interested it can be asked... but the thing is that the main topic of this post is not the main topic of the manga...). On it, "love" is defined as "infinite interest".
So maybe that idea is widespread? I would be glad if you shared your thoughts on it.