Memories (and you may all go and decide I'm a nerd now- I'm still a proud one.)

In these past days, two unrelated yet very related memories came back to me.

First one I remembered the other day (I actually think it was yesterday, but my perception of time is so very messed up lately, I can never know). I was FB texting the Firetruck (that annoying being- I can only picture his stupid perpetual smile, but everytime I talk to him he is crossed, or sarcastic, or sad, or an emo, or not happy in any other way. And he is too amazing for that shit)and at one point he said the following:

"[P]oor you, spending your time in an studyship you chose in order to find a job you love."

And it reminded me. it remimded me of my 20 year old "self" (who was barely a self at all), that miserable thing, being put to study English without even being asked about it. Of course I didn't say a thing, because, well, I do love what I am doing, but I remembered, I felt. I felt the urge to escape that life people were shaping for me without my consent, I remembered hating it and everybody so much.

That's my first memory.

My second memory arised after the community reunion this morning, or maybe two weeks ago. There exists this omnipresent talkative neighbour (she tends to be there when my mother's reserve is saving me some embarrasment, and likes to compensate), and my birthday is about to come, so of course she started relating her -very reshaped- memories of my childhood. And it brought my own back.
She was narrating how much I loved being cared for by her daughter and how happy I was at those times, and it made me picture myself being happy while I did that that made me happy.
I... developed writing systems, inventing their symbold, deciding what sounds were and were not represented (for they were writing systems for imagined languagues), and which ones were to be written in dygraphs.
I also read enciclopaedia entries and investigated the evolution of letters and their different shapes in the écritures of old times. I looked at them and enjoyed the fascination they made me feel.
I asked my mom to write things for me using greek letters so that I could decipher it.
I read Asterix comics in French to try and grasp some of the meaning.
I searched the internet for a glossary of Old Irish words (who wan't modenr languages when there is obsolete ones abound?) and memorised them.
I read an old Latin diccionary and copied down words that I found interesting.


I lived for them, for all the words in all the languages, for all the ways in which both changed, chifted, evolved, all this time.

I quote Christabel LaMotte now.

"Words have been all my life, all my life."

hi

So...
(wow, I wasn't aware I hadn't written here for such a long time)
Well...

Actually, I had been thiking of posting some ideas here for the last few days but I had eventually decided not to because there is nothing to gain from "ohmygodmylifesuckssobadI'msomiserable" posts.

But then today life sucked worse that usually, and I still wanted to be a good girl, but my friends wouldn't help me, and suddenly I found myself changin my fb profile picture for one in which I was 14 and suicidal, and then writing a post/joke about my fb page being suicidal itself (in which, for the record, I encouraged it to be strong and not kill itself).

And friends, a friend, one very dear friend who has been really helpful and good to me before, well, him, couldn't think of anything else to do but scol me for laughing at suicide when I'm only just trying hard to ridiculize the idea of my own suicide, because, as it happens, I do wish I wasn't alive. And it's just that it made me feel so bad, because he, well, maybe it was just me being paranoid, but my sensation has been that he wasn't being any great lately, and God, it would help if he were.

So whatever.
Suicide humour sucks, yeah, exactly as much as being me does, and I'm fucking free to laugh at it if I want to, the last thing I need is people making me feel worse.

bye

Slightly...

...depressed.

But mostly anxious.

Because whem M. and I started planning our future here everything was going to be awesome and great and I even knew who the father of my children was going to be*, and I still believe it's going to be all of that, but making it is not easy at all.

Which kind of felt great at the begining because it was almost like a dare and I'm basque so I love dares, or something, but lately, it's been wasting me just too much.

And I need to keep going. Shit. I need to go even faster and further.
But it's been ages since I run out of spoons for this.

And the good tiny little detais don't feel that good anymore because I'm grown used to them, and the shitty tiny little details make me opressively depressed.

Because.
We've made lots of decissions, and have taken one heavy step forward after the other, and right now, I've only got one thing left to do (and yes it's the biggest thing off them all but it is still only one) and after this weekend everything on our part will be done, but we will still be, physically, at the starting point.
And what do you do then? Well, you gather the reamins of your strength and start over again.
And if you've got no remaining stregth left? Well, you either let yourself die in a ditch, or you pretend you do have some left and start over again.

Even if you are too tired to do anything but curling up in a corner and rocking and crying tiny tears.


That big massive only thing I've got left to do happens to be as big and massive as handing my CV in every... everywhere. I was suposed to do it today, but when I looked myself in the mirror I saw a terrible ghost that nobody would ever want to hire. And that's my mian problem right now: I'm so wasted that the fact that I can't do it doesn't matter anymore because even if I did it it'd be useless, given my state.


I might just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but I really feel so down I've actually been thinking of letting anxiety get over me and going back home and coming back after summer. Or for summer. Or whatever. And not letting myself do that  is devouring my own stomach and....

Whatever.
I'm going to stop this meaningless whining. (You know what's the worst of all? That I'm still going to publish this because... because...)



*Imagine having an answer for this even without the slightest intention of actually having any children...

I know it's a little late for this, but: New Year's Meme

I got the meme from Voxcorvegis.
Here I come:


1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I came au-pairing. I stimmed in public being concious of what I was doing. I met M. in person. I let R. kiss me and I cried for him. A. went all the way from Sevilla to my house to visit me.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't normally do proper new years resolutions. The olny resolution I remember taking last year (as always) is "OK, I'm gonna start seriously studying" and it wasn't realted to the new year, just to the exams the last week of January. I didn't keep it (but I passed everything).

3. How (will you be spending) /did you spend New Year’s Eve?

I had a lovely Spanish dinner with M., J., and L. at L.'s house, we sort of went out and then we all slept together. It was bizarre and nice.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Maki, my dog, died last winter. R.'s dad died too, and F. too. Lot's of deaths, actually...

5. What countries did you visit?

Ireland.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Sanity. And spoons enough to want to have a couple.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 25, because I felt bad, stupid and ridiculous. September 28 because it's the day I got to Cork and December 23, because there's something it hurts about small coincidences.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

Mhhh... I'm mastering my spoons pretty well... and I passed a subject having opened it's books only the day of the exam.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't have spoons enough to want to have a relationship with someone, no matter how much I like them.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Throat infection, as always, a fair share of anxiety, and that's it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Mh... can't think of anything remarcable. 

12. Where did most of your money go?

University.

13. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Paradise by Coldplay, probably. And Ken Zazpi's Zapalduen Olerkia.

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Studying, specially German.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Nothing? Now, literally, nothing, like, spacing out.

16. What was your favorite TV program?

Big Bang Theory, for a change. And, like, from October on, my favorite show from the ones I actually get to see would be... hold on tight... Austin and Ally. 

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I can't remember hating anyone. Actively, I mean. 

18. What was the best book you read?

I didn't read that much this year. I liked The Woman who Walked into Doors a lot.

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Brook Davis :)

20. What was your favorite film of this year?

The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey. What else.

21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I got to be 22. I didn't do anything special, holding to the lame excuse that my birthday is during exams season.

22. What kept you sane?

Knowing and being conscious of my insanity, and some people who's willing to help.

23. Who did you miss?

I miss R. and E. and M1. I don't really miss my parents.

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned.

Oh I learnt and practised a lot thinking/saying "Whatever" and walking away when I didn't like someone or what someone was saying.

25. What does 2013 hold for me?

It hold for precious months here and it holds going back home. It holds post exams holiday in London. It holds starting my last year to get my degree. It holds facing and doing soething about my father's disease. It probably holds a huge lot of frustration, stress and anxiety.

It looks 2012 was a pretty plain year up to October xD thanks Cork and everyone there :)

[Y de repente te das cuenta de que estás dando pasos de gigante hacia un futuro que te aterra, pero que tú has elegido. Y sientes miedo y orgullo, y mariposas en el estómago...]

So... It seems I’m... getting out of the closet. About my autism, that is.

One of the reasons why I finally thought “So what the fuck?” and went aupairing was that my friend M. was doing it, and reading about it in her blog, it looked amazing.

My relationship with M. begun around 2006 in a certain foto-blog plataform and we’ve been in touch via different social networks, and we follow each other blogs. So, she knows about my aspergers. I think she is actually the only person I knew before I found out that knows.

And I decided to come aupairing to Irealnd and I ended up in Co. Cork, were she is. And we met up (for the first time and it was weird and great and whatever).

But the thing is she knows.

And then one saturday night I told F., because I... felt like it.

So she knows too.

And we were chatting the other day and... well, if G. didn’t properly realize what’s going on, then he just sort of did, but it was stated clear that my mind works in a different way at least.

And I’m getting out of the closet and it feels... a lot of different things.

Of course it feels great. I had actually thought of this experience as a way of starting a life that makes me feel better, with less passing and more freedom, right from the instant “So what the fuck?” came into my mind. And being free to be yourself feels fucking great.

And of course it’s hella scary too, I mean, now I suddenly am openly* autistic, and I don’t really know what’s expected from me or to what point I can act like myself and not my passing self, and what aspects of my autistic mind are OK and not creepy to reveal to the people that I want to keep as friends, and how is people going to respond to it? Are they all going to start acting weird and ruin it all? And is it safe? or does it make me just even more vulnerable?

And them I’m proud, because I’m actively taking my own steps towards what I think it should be. Because, come on, asking for the right to be something you’re actually hiding you are is not exactly cool, right? And asking for better conditions and understanding for and about you while you’re not ready to show it is about you is both mean and... mean, right? And when you’re changing that hypocrite part of you (even if it’s only a small part of it, not the whole, not all at once, it feels good, and your self steem suddenly grows, because you don’t really accept yourself until you publicly accept yourself, right?

*Openly with my friends, even just with some of them (the friend-est ones anyway), that is, with the peope I freely relate with,  not with my hostfamily or the people we just hang out with.

Gallardon 'the Hater'

I thought that, as a spanish citizen, my rights on abortion were safe... but the woman haters (PP) are back in power with absolute majority and their moves have started.
It had been hinted that, if they won, the homosexual marriage law would be at risk, but they have decided to start with abortion.
Alberto Ruiz Gallardon, who is known for bieng the most left sided person in the political party he belongs to (PP) stated the following in an open session in the congress:

"La maternidad es lo que hace a las mujeres verdaderamente mujeres [...][y los poderes públicos tienen que actuar] para garantizar el derecho a la maternidad".

Literal translation:
"Motherhood is what makes women real women [...] and the public powers have to act to grant the right of motherhood".

In context, what he said is that motherhood is what makes women real women and because of that abortion should be ilegal, because it keeps women from complete realization, and that the government intends to take measures in that direction.

There are a bunch of things I'd like to point out.

1. This person, as male, has no right or knowledge to decide what's what makes us women.
2. I may even believe, that in my own case, it is possible that I think motherhood is the only way of bringing me complete happyness, but I still made a choice not to have children. This person doesn't have the right to force me to personal realization.
3. Let's say we were living in a creepy society where personal realization was, in fact, compulsory. Where does Gallardón's reasoning leave all that women who, for one reason or another, are incapable of giving birth? Why does he condemn them to not being able of being real women?
4. In what universe is a relation between granting the right of motherhood and ilegalizing abortion? Why are motherhood and abortion treated as contraries when they are not? Can't you have an abortion at 18 because you don't feel ready to have kids yet and have then later in your live? Can't you be a mother of a dozen of kids who decides that thirteen is too many?
5. Why does he say "grant the right of motherhood" when the only thing understandable from his logic is the "destruction of the right to choose motherhood"? Is he really spaeking of making motherhood compulsory? Because that's what it sounds like.

Really, I prefer the "abortion is murder" line by too much.

¡Tengo un trébol de 4 hojas!

Este texto lo empecé el 21 y lo he acabado ahora, así que es un gran amasijo de basura pensada, pero allá voy.

-21-

¡Tengo un trébol de 4 hojas! me siento relativamente estúpida por la tremenda ilusión que me hace. Lo verdaderamente importante es que en el césped del parque de al lado de la posada hay numerosos tréboles de cuatro hojas...

Y, en fin, lo más relevante de mi vida ahora mismo es que mi interés por Nemo (mhh... ¿Gnemo? qué tentador) ha desbancado a mi interés por Tadzio/Loui. Gnemo es mucho más investigable, y por tanto mi interés se mantendrá estable por más tiempo. Además, bueno, el sábado (16) en si fue bastante horrible pero el sábado visto desde la prespectiva del domingo no estuvo del todo mal. Aunque fue una pena que... y que por eso...

Bueno, el fin de semana en general me dejó sin capacidad de ser persona.

-22-

Acabamos de terminar las comidas.

Ha venido una familia con una chica llamada I. que va a Isterria, el mismo cole en el que empieza E. el curso que viene.

Les he tirado un poco de la lengua y han dicho que están muy contentos, que llevan 12 años allí y que están muy agusto. La propia I. me ha contado que hacen unos extraescolares muy chulos, que ella hace judo y atletismo y que ahora también está aprendiendo a montar a caballo. Los padres han dicho que el centro funciona muy bien y que ponen mucho énfasis en que los usuarios adquieran una disciplina básica.

-23-

Menudo desastre-

Nemo no parece ya que vaya a aparecer. A lo mejor viene mañana con alguna tía suya, porque la verdad no ha habido mucho movimiento de la familia real. Es estúpido, pero escribo en clave.

Antes de que se me olvide, hablemos de vegetales:

1.- ¡Ya están floreciendo las aguileñas! Incluso si no hubiera más flores en el mundo, harían que mereciera la pena la primavera.

2.- El otro día limpiaron las zarzas del lavadero y aprovecharon para cargarse las hiedras. dos paredes enteras de hiedra a la porra. Es casi tonto lo mucho que me enfado por estas cosas.

3.- Hace 3 semanas ya que una nueva especie vegetal entró en mi vida: fritilaria pyrenaica. Es una especie bastante llamativa, y no deja de chocarme que ni yo ni mi madre la hubiéramos visto nunca. Me pegué toda una mañana de lunes rebuscando en guías botánicas hasta dar con la ajedrezada, que me llevó hasta mi concreta especie de fritilaria.

Creo que no tengo nada más que decir. Debería releer esto para ver si me dejo algo pero definitivamente no me apetece.

-24-

Reanudo mi redacción por enésima vez. Últimamente pierdo la dama muy al inicio de la partida, y astonishingly aún así gano.

Por cierto, fugaz aparición de Nemo hoy. Todo un poco frustrante.

-26-

Hablé con J ayer. Va, bien. Quería enseñarme esto. Espero que no se haya tomado mal mi opinión. He recuperado Facebook, los dos que tenía. Pero sólo un poco.

No sé, estoy rara. Ayer hablando con J le puse un 7/10 a mi vida. Luego me paré a pensar y creo que me pasé de optimista. No sé. Tampoco me parecería justo quejarme, porque indudablemente tengo una vida-base de 10: casa, comida, educación, ropa, y encima libros, ordenador, móvil, internet... y restando un punto por problema, me queda algo entre 5 y 6,. Supongo que lo que falla son los criterios, pero no quiero complicarme la vida, así que voy a dejar de divagar.