hi

So...
(wow, I wasn't aware I hadn't written here for such a long time)
Well...

Actually, I had been thiking of posting some ideas here for the last few days but I had eventually decided not to because there is nothing to gain from "ohmygodmylifesuckssobadI'msomiserable" posts.

But then today life sucked worse that usually, and I still wanted to be a good girl, but my friends wouldn't help me, and suddenly I found myself changin my fb profile picture for one in which I was 14 and suicidal, and then writing a post/joke about my fb page being suicidal itself (in which, for the record, I encouraged it to be strong and not kill itself).

And friends, a friend, one very dear friend who has been really helpful and good to me before, well, him, couldn't think of anything else to do but scol me for laughing at suicide when I'm only just trying hard to ridiculize the idea of my own suicide, because, as it happens, I do wish I wasn't alive. And it's just that it made me feel so bad, because he, well, maybe it was just me being paranoid, but my sensation has been that he wasn't being any great lately, and God, it would help if he were.

So whatever.
Suicide humour sucks, yeah, exactly as much as being me does, and I'm fucking free to laugh at it if I want to, the last thing I need is people making me feel worse.

bye

there's a bunch of stuff that scares me.

Even now, when being in love feels great no matter how unrequited it is (apparently not too much), it terrifies me.

Wasting my only chance to make you love me terrifies me,
Letting you fade away from my life terrifies me,
Screwing our friendship up terrifies me,
Taking steps towards you without your previous consent terrrifies me,
Using pressure until you can not scape terrifies me,
Making you run away terrifies me,
Letting go of you terrifies me,
Repenting terrifies me,
Being so afraid terrifies me,
Not being able to tell what I feel and how I feel it terrifies me,
Feeling this much terrifies me,
The way my friends talk about my terror terrifies me,
Crying about it terrifies me,
The closeness of the day when you'll leave terrifies me,
Not being here when you go terrifies me,
Never getting to kiss you terrifies me,
Not being the one for you if you are the one for me terrifies me,
The estructural deepness of the difference between liking you and liking all the other people I've liked terrifies me,
The cozyness of your gaze terrifies me,
Letting go of your hugs terrifies me,
Dissaponting you terrifies me,
It all terrifies me...

... so much that my body just stop working.

And that terrifies me, too.

I hate it when people does things for me without me asking and they do them in the wrong way.

Like, you know, there's this guy who apparently likes me a lot, and yeah I also kind of like him, and he asked me to be his girlfriend but I said "no" because I was leaving, and the moment was not the best to explain things so I just said no.
And this morning he went to the restaurant before I was there and my mom told him I'm leaving.

So when I arrived he's looked at me with a sad look and he's said "So your leaving" and I said "Yes" and he asked "for how long" and I said "minimum 7 months" and his look's turned even sadder.

And shit.

(And yeah, this is me whining and I'm sorry about that but I needed to split it out)

Driving while autistic. Aspxiety.

After doubly recibing the “original Blog Award”, and this time from none else but my highly admired blogger M., I find myself in the need of becoming a decent blogger who writes interesting posts.

But I’ll leave that to growth XD.

I’m only going to write about my little troubling dayly life today, because, for being my hollydays, it’s generating a lot of anxiety.

There are a bunch of factors, mainly a) the fact that I couldn’t escape driving license this Summer, b) that my close word is going through a creepy and disgusting political process in the form of “youngsters’ conspiration” c) the constant harassment A. faces in front of me.

Let’s develop!

a) I will never make a safe driver of myself. 
I don’t even want to drive, I’ve never felt the slighest interest for it. But I live in a very small village with no decent public transport system (I don’t enjoy public transport a single bit, but I prefer that to having to drive myself) and I sometimes need to go to places, such as, you know, class. Mom is sick of driving me, which is understandable, and that’s why I’ve got to take my licence. First of all, let me tell you that both taking the licence and driving in Spain are not as easy as, say, in USA. I’m working on the thorical part of the licence right now, most part of which I think is very stupid. I’ve got issues with studying stuff I consider stupid. But that’s not the problem. The problem are the practical licence and the lessons I will have to face to get it. I just don’t want to. Practical lessons were always a hell for me, even when (as normally happened) I already knew what I had to do. Imagine if I don’t. I’ll have to understand everything the teacher asks me to do, and not be clumpsy, and not be too nervous to move a muscle. And laugh at the teacher’s jokes, which includes identifying them as jokes. I can’t do that. 
And I can't keep a uniform attention level to the loads of things a driver needs to at the same time, and I can't not pay attention to loads of things that a driver needs to ignore. And I get easily overwelmed by stimuli when I'm forcefully paying attention to things, and then I suddenly need to stop working and put my back on a corner and close my eyes and ears and let my brain process all the accumulated stimuli before being able to face the world again. It doesn´t sound safe to do that while driving.

And this may sound horrible for some of you but I’m not anything into doing stuff I don’t think I can do.




Look foward for new posts for points b and c (you may have them both, or one of them, or none, before the day ends).

Gallardon 'the Hater'

I thought that, as a spanish citizen, my rights on abortion were safe... but the woman haters (PP) are back in power with absolute majority and their moves have started.
It had been hinted that, if they won, the homosexual marriage law would be at risk, but they have decided to start with abortion.
Alberto Ruiz Gallardon, who is known for bieng the most left sided person in the political party he belongs to (PP) stated the following in an open session in the congress:

"La maternidad es lo que hace a las mujeres verdaderamente mujeres [...][y los poderes públicos tienen que actuar] para garantizar el derecho a la maternidad".

Literal translation:
"Motherhood is what makes women real women [...] and the public powers have to act to grant the right of motherhood".

In context, what he said is that motherhood is what makes women real women and because of that abortion should be ilegal, because it keeps women from complete realization, and that the government intends to take measures in that direction.

There are a bunch of things I'd like to point out.

1. This person, as male, has no right or knowledge to decide what's what makes us women.
2. I may even believe, that in my own case, it is possible that I think motherhood is the only way of bringing me complete happyness, but I still made a choice not to have children. This person doesn't have the right to force me to personal realization.
3. Let's say we were living in a creepy society where personal realization was, in fact, compulsory. Where does Gallardón's reasoning leave all that women who, for one reason or another, are incapable of giving birth? Why does he condemn them to not being able of being real women?
4. In what universe is a relation between granting the right of motherhood and ilegalizing abortion? Why are motherhood and abortion treated as contraries when they are not? Can't you have an abortion at 18 because you don't feel ready to have kids yet and have then later in your live? Can't you be a mother of a dozen of kids who decides that thirteen is too many?
5. Why does he say "grant the right of motherhood" when the only thing understandable from his logic is the "destruction of the right to choose motherhood"? Is he really spaeking of making motherhood compulsory? Because that's what it sounds like.

Really, I prefer the "abortion is murder" line by too much.

When your rivals dissapoint you...

It has happened to me several times that, after hearing/reading something that really annoys me, like, enought to give a reply, it is missunderstood, often as a possitive comment.
In that cases the severe idiocy of the person I'm trying to comunicate with dissapoints that much it leaves me with nothing else to say.

And it happened yesterday.
April is coming so the web is full of what I call "Autism Awareness Bullshit" and I ran into a gorgeous example on twitter.
I'm going to reproduce that and the subsequent conversation here for you to enjoy:

• @Kittysolpink said: "Remember next month is Autism awareness. Hoping for a cure for all those dealing with this condition."
• I (@SaiShi_Shi) couldn't stop myself and replied: "@Kittysolpink I've got #Aspergers and I'm hoping for a cure for all those dealing with your condition."
• The brilliant answer I got was:"@SaiShi_Shi I do not have the condition my nephew those."

I just managed to assume she meant "does" when wrote "those" in that last tweet. Everything else is buried that deep in idiocy it keeps being a mystery for me.

Maybe twitter need italics, or bolds, or something...

no todos somos "mamis" / It's not just moms

The definition for autism in the DRAE (official spanish dictionary) was just horrible and after many attempts a mainly social-network based initiative has achieved it: they are changing it for the next edition (2014) and I guess they'll change it on the web's advance to the new edition too (it's not done yet, don't know why) for a somehow better one. Whatever, that's not my point.
So everyone is celebrating it. It's on Twitter, loads of blogs, and newspapers, problaby in the news. Everyone is happy. Everyone is congratulating all the hard working moms and families.

It's not just the fucking moms, you know? There's loads of people who's not anyone's mom. Some are just concerned people that don't need to be a kid's mom to try and help. Some of us are just  autistics fighting for our own sake.
It's something we are able to do, and we do it.
We ourselves are part of it.
It's no ggod if you are celebrating something because it's good for us and you leave us out of it-

Oh my, I am annoyed.

P.S.: Sorry for the moms out there. I usually read some of your blogs and that stuff and I know you are working hard (whether it is in the right path or not, I'm not discussing now) and it's not you who's making me annoyed and this mad post is not against you, even if it may look like. Just, "oh, sorry!", because I'm not erasing the "fucking".

I am annoyed

So, the thing is I have logged in my account at the website of my university and there was like a huge link to a new about how a certain disabled girl has brilliantly ended a course there, a thanks letter from her mum and that stuff.
But there wasn´t a single word about which was the disability or in what way it difficulted the girl's learning.


Because, you know, every disabled person is equaly stupid so it´s always a good point to any uni to have helped any of those idiots' sweet and brave attempt of learning anything.


I am annoyed.


I will not make a case like this because I am not diagnosed, but you know, what if I was? I'm a sort of language genious getting a degree on English, but still, there will be a honey covered article about how a sweet young disabled girl had, with all her innate strenght, the teaching teams help and her classmates' good will, succesfully ended her studies and blah, blah, the day I graduated, even if I need none's help to study English by correspondence.

There is too much shit in my life right now and I an not handle it anymore...

But those nice friends who kept repeating that they would be there everytime I needed them are nowhere to be seen.

I do not want to stay here.

I do not want to go back.

Shit!

Feeling horrible, posting about other stuff

Hay muchísimas cosas sobre las que quiero escribir, pero...

Para empezar (por el final), otro año que se me olvida felicitar a EB2.

No es que tenga importancia porque no es que tengamos ninguna relación y no es que yo felicite a nadie, pero ella siempre deja su huella el 17/05. Yo sé que lo hace sólo porque tuenti se lo recuerda, pero lo hace e inicia un intercambie de texto vacío (que yo encuentro más bien incómodo y desagradable, como cuando te encuetras con un antiguo compañero de clase con el que no quieres hablar y tienes que hacerlo) y me hace sentir que yo la tengo que felicitar a ella. Pero no sé en qué día vivo y para cuando me entero se me ha pasado la fecha. Suelo decirme que yo al menos me acuerdo sin que una web me avise pero eso en realidad no me sirve de nada.

Tenía algo preparado sobre la cantidad de pena/miedo que me da cierta gente, pero hoy no me apetece subrlo. Otra vez será.

Nemo ha desaparecido de la faz de la Tierra y, como consecuencia, también lo ha hecho mi interés/curiosidad. Tengo que mirar eso: en cuanto dejo de pensar en algo, no vuelo a pensar en ello hasta que un factor externo (normalmente una pregunta de concurso televisivo) me lo recuerda, y vuelo a obsesionarme.

Luego esta R., que es una caja de sorpresas (positivas). Supongo que es porque esperaba de él que fuera una persona muy lana y predecible, y claro, no lo es, porque las personas en general no suelen serlo, o no tiene porqué.

Pero todo en el me sorprende, y genera una sensación agradable en mí. Sabe bailar. Y le gusta. Me caigo de la silla cada vez que lo recuerdo. Si gritara un poquito menos y hablara un poquito más claro no tendría mayor problema en ceder, pero también me produce una gran cantidad de ansiedad/pereza social meterme en una relación con alguien que todo el mundo conoce.

La gente tiene la manía de querer saber cosas y cuando hacen preguntas se empeñan en recibir respuestas largas y detalladas. Pero no preguntan sobre Lingüística Cognitiva, sino de lo que hiciste ayer con X persona. Bufff.

Debería concluir el post con un "Bueno, me voy a poner a estudiar, que esto no es serio" pero tengo el cerebro/la mente hecho papilla.

It has begun

New post in English, sorry about the errors.

So the exam of Linguistics has been OK, but I've got a problem with the oral exam I'm supposed to do this afternoon for English.

The thing is that it has to be done with a specific program on a specific web which keeps giving me problems at home, so I have to make it on the computer room here on the Uni.

I'm sipposed to talk to a computer while being surrounded by people, some of them doing the same and some waiting for me to finish so they can do it.

Oh please, I can not make such a thing!

I'm feeling the anxiety growing on me since Monday, and it is troubleing my study. Oh shit! I'm turning back to being a freaked out chaos worth absolutely nothing.

In addition, I'm having lunch at my Grandma's and there is a chance that my cousin N. (can't find a proper name for her) will be eating there too. Mhh- my cousing trated me like if I was a complete idiot the last time I saw her and I've benn avopiding her since.

Happy birthday to me...

Pues eso, que es mi cumpleaños.

De regalo, una mañana en Vitoria, la certeza de que Emmeline es una gran amiga y una gran cantidad de dulce de postre (¡¡ñammmm...!!)

Ahora, a estudiar.

Autistic Passing Project survey

-ermh.

Iniciativa de Amanda en la que se invita a participar.

Yo de momento no estoy de humor, y bueno, dejo aquí los links para evitarme el cargo de conciencia por no-cooperación.

A ver:

13 March, 2011

Autistic Passing Project survey

These are my 4 surveys for the Autistic Passing Project which is an art project I'm doing as a Creative Writing practicum in school. My goal is to collect writing from Autistic people about their experiences of camouflaging the fact that they are Autistic, or their attempts to do so; I will then sample pieces of the writing to make a textual and visual collage portraying the Autistic Passing experience.

APP 1: Background Diagnosis and Identity, Beginnings, Mechanics of Passing

APP 2: Intersectionality, Other Kinds of Difference, Passing in Different Environments

APP 3: Drawbacks of Passing, General Questions, Advantages of Passing

APP 4: Autistic Identification

No añado nada más (La cabeza como un bombo y más y más autoasco, y algo de asco ajeno también...)

¡Tadzio!

[reflexiones sobre el día 7 de este mes]

Después de una exhaustiva búsqueda de libros sobre autismo en la biblioteca, el catálogo me muestra libros con números pertenecientes al campo de las ciencias aplicadas. Agricultura.

Esto, después de que Tadzio no haya ido a clase de comunicación.

Qué día-

Súmale una fuerte sospecha de que P escoge su ubicacióon en la clase en función de la mía y la de M y el asimismo fuerte olor de su perfume (no soporto a ese individuo), y multiplícalo por que n o tengo dinero para comprar tabaco (¿A quién se le ocurre?) y obtendrás que estoy muy irascible y que no puedo parar.

Por lo demás, la PEC de Mundos es para el jueves.

Hoy ha faltado mucha gente a clase,. De hecho y por alguna misteriosa razón faltaba todo individuo capaz de dar respuestas coherentes y hacer preguntas lógicas. Momento de alegría al descubrir que 10 tampoco soporta a P.

¡Y Tadzio no ha venido!

¡¿Cómo?!

¡Ahora que ya tngo un seudónimo válido para él!

En fin, la vida no puede ser perfecta.

Llevo unos días con unos generosos niveles de ansiedad y autoasco.

Del día de hoy ha estado bien la exitosa resolución de los ejercicios para clase, investigando en bancos de datos (¿Existe algún realidad más atractiva que los Bancos de Datos?).

Del fin de semana, E., y lo contento que estaba, y el buen tiempo en si, sin sus consecuencias.

Lo malo: aparte de lo anteriormente expuesto, tener que cocinar y servir corzo (concretamente dos), el humor raro en casa y el sentimiento de que me falta libertad de acción.

Ahora que lo pienso, la ansiedad empezó cuando llamó J.

tengo que contárselo, pero no quero prque se va a enfadar conmigo. ¿pero acaso no soy yo la que está enfadada con él? No , no lo estoy, yo no me enfado, ¡cuánto más facil sería si lo estuviera! Así que tengo que contárselo, y explicárselo, y pedirle que no se enfade y luego pasar miedo esperando represalias. ¿Por qué? Él nunca a tenido miedo de mis represalias. Porque no me toma enserio.

[...]

[Reflexiones de ayer y de hoy]

-Ahora que ya tenía un seudónimo válido, me aparece otro: Loui

-Además Sb pasa totalmente a ser Claudia.

-PINK!

-Pretending you are in love with someone is always funny

-¿Tadzio...?¡...Tadzio!