there's a bunch of stuff that scares me.

Even now, when being in love feels great no matter how unrequited it is (apparently not too much), it terrifies me.

Wasting my only chance to make you love me terrifies me,
Letting you fade away from my life terrifies me,
Screwing our friendship up terrifies me,
Taking steps towards you without your previous consent terrrifies me,
Using pressure until you can not scape terrifies me,
Making you run away terrifies me,
Letting go of you terrifies me,
Repenting terrifies me,
Being so afraid terrifies me,
Not being able to tell what I feel and how I feel it terrifies me,
Feeling this much terrifies me,
The way my friends talk about my terror terrifies me,
Crying about it terrifies me,
The closeness of the day when you'll leave terrifies me,
Not being here when you go terrifies me,
Never getting to kiss you terrifies me,
Not being the one for you if you are the one for me terrifies me,
The estructural deepness of the difference between liking you and liking all the other people I've liked terrifies me,
The cozyness of your gaze terrifies me,
Letting go of your hugs terrifies me,
Dissaponting you terrifies me,
It all terrifies me...

... so much that my body just stop working.

And that terrifies me, too.

Driving while autistic. Aspxiety.

After doubly recibing the “original Blog Award”, and this time from none else but my highly admired blogger M., I find myself in the need of becoming a decent blogger who writes interesting posts.

But I’ll leave that to growth XD.

I’m only going to write about my little troubling dayly life today, because, for being my hollydays, it’s generating a lot of anxiety.

There are a bunch of factors, mainly a) the fact that I couldn’t escape driving license this Summer, b) that my close word is going through a creepy and disgusting political process in the form of “youngsters’ conspiration” c) the constant harassment A. faces in front of me.

Let’s develop!

a) I will never make a safe driver of myself. 
I don’t even want to drive, I’ve never felt the slighest interest for it. But I live in a very small village with no decent public transport system (I don’t enjoy public transport a single bit, but I prefer that to having to drive myself) and I sometimes need to go to places, such as, you know, class. Mom is sick of driving me, which is understandable, and that’s why I’ve got to take my licence. First of all, let me tell you that both taking the licence and driving in Spain are not as easy as, say, in USA. I’m working on the thorical part of the licence right now, most part of which I think is very stupid. I’ve got issues with studying stuff I consider stupid. But that’s not the problem. The problem are the practical licence and the lessons I will have to face to get it. I just don’t want to. Practical lessons were always a hell for me, even when (as normally happened) I already knew what I had to do. Imagine if I don’t. I’ll have to understand everything the teacher asks me to do, and not be clumpsy, and not be too nervous to move a muscle. And laugh at the teacher’s jokes, which includes identifying them as jokes. I can’t do that. 
And I can't keep a uniform attention level to the loads of things a driver needs to at the same time, and I can't not pay attention to loads of things that a driver needs to ignore. And I get easily overwelmed by stimuli when I'm forcefully paying attention to things, and then I suddenly need to stop working and put my back on a corner and close my eyes and ears and let my brain process all the accumulated stimuli before being able to face the world again. It doesn´t sound safe to do that while driving.

And this may sound horrible for some of you but I’m not anything into doing stuff I don’t think I can do.




Look foward for new posts for points b and c (you may have them both, or one of them, or none, before the day ends).

yesterday evening I came back home from class and mom said...

..."E.T.A. is over"


I was, like, happy? But it really felt odd, because I didn´t have any hope for that. I thought nothing was gonna happen, but well, it happened!!
And it was just the day before yesterday when I was engaged in a 3 generations conversation about the subject and, you know, grandma said she was hopeful because of the taken steps towards peace and that she believed E.T.A. would be over in less than a week and, you know, mom and I are sort of sceptical people and we told her that was really difficult and that we didn´t have any kind of hope in that because of blah, blah, blah, and then, 24 hours later, it just happened.


Wow.
It´s like and historical event.
It´s like the first historical event I feel part of!


It feels stupidly good :)
I never thought I would feel so happy because of it. I suppose I`ve got a more normal mind that what I thought...

There is too much shit in my life right now and I an not handle it anymore...

But those nice friends who kept repeating that they would be there everytime I needed them are nowhere to be seen.

I do not want to stay here.

I do not want to go back.

Shit!

It has begun

New post in English, sorry about the errors.

So the exam of Linguistics has been OK, but I've got a problem with the oral exam I'm supposed to do this afternoon for English.

The thing is that it has to be done with a specific program on a specific web which keeps giving me problems at home, so I have to make it on the computer room here on the Uni.

I'm sipposed to talk to a computer while being surrounded by people, some of them doing the same and some waiting for me to finish so they can do it.

Oh please, I can not make such a thing!

I'm feeling the anxiety growing on me since Monday, and it is troubleing my study. Oh shit! I'm turning back to being a freaked out chaos worth absolutely nothing.

In addition, I'm having lunch at my Grandma's and there is a chance that my cousin N. (can't find a proper name for her) will be eating there too. Mhh- my cousing trated me like if I was a complete idiot the last time I saw her and I've benn avopiding her since.

I don't have a proper title for this

La cuestión es escribir sobre las pasadas elecciones y la impresión que de ellas he recibido.

De las elecciones en sí no tengo gran cosa que decir. Han sido las primeras para mi y me parecía realmente estúpido ir y votar, como si fuera a servir de algo. La impresión recibida: la gente es muy lerda. Tampoco me voy a extender más, ésa es la idea base y creo que se explica por sí misma.

Aparte de esto, ayer estuve indignándome en privado y llegué a la conclusión de que los votos en blanco deberían reflejarse como asientos vacíos en el parlamento. Porque al parecer y por alguna misteriosa razón (¿15-M?) en estas elecciones se ha superado con creces todo número anterior de votos en blanco, pero da igual. Y no estoy de acuerdo: si uno va y se molesta en meter una papeleta vacía en la urna, debería servirle al menos para ahorrarse un diputado, o varios si como en Aragón el porcentaje de votos blancos era igual al de la tercera fuerza política.

Otra cosa que me ronda en la cabeza últimamente es: ¿Por qué todo quisqui se muda a Wordpress?

Y el 9 de junio acudiré a una conferencia sobre autismo, grandes expectativas no tengo, pero a ver qué cuentan. Comunicaré mis impresiones al respecto.

So I’m trying to write this in English

 [Yesterday was such an awful day- and I tried to change my template, the other one was definitely uncomfortable, but blogger wouldn't want to, so I've just done it, like it? and exams on 20 days and I’ve done nothing in the whole term]

There’s a few days since I decided to write something about I. I. Is a mentally disabled young man I met when working in Disabled Summer Camps. He had violent attacks and I, between the whole working team, was his favourite subject for them. So I was afraid of him. He would grab me by the arm, put a terror movie mad man’s face and strongly stick his nails on it. He wouldn’t stop whatever a did/said until some guy (normally my beloved elf) came and told him to stop. So I was afraid of him. So when the attack was finished and he was a nice guy back, I would tell him “Stay away” and he would sit down a couple of metres away from me and i would tell “far away” and he would stand up and walk five more metres and sit down again. And then I would feel guilty and horrible for treating him that way.

I was specially afraid of waking him up at mornings to give him his medicines because that meant to be alone with him when everyone else was sleeping and I would have to scream out for help if I wanted my Elf to come and save me. I’m not exactly good on asking for help... But I. Would never harm me in that situation.

Tehn there was the bus thing. When the camp was finished two of us would have to go on the bus whith the group. That year it was another girl and me, which meant big problems if I. gor violent. So I was, obviously, afraid once more. It was about the middle of the journey (it was not a long one) when I. stood up from his place on the front of the bus, walked all the way to the back where we were and sat down in the free place beside me. I was terrified. He held my arm and said “Home” and then he smiled. I felt so sorry for him. I don’t know what his disability was because we weren’t told, and I wish i knew because he was on a camp to have a good time and he obviously had a bad one. That moment on the bus made me feel he was sweet, but I haven’t seen his smile until that very moment.

And well, now I’m speaking about how we didn’t know any medical details about the people we were treating. It was part of the privacy policy of the centre they lived on: we were not doctors so we didn’t need to know. I didn’t like this and it proved extremely unefective:

There was “C.”

“C.” Apparently was a tranquil mentally retarded middle age woman with self-violence attacks and that was all we could see so we treated “her” having that into account.

Then one day, the nurse would speak too much and told some of us what follows: <<“C.” has 28 diagnosed personalities>>.

So I got totally mad. So we had been treating 28 as if they were 1. OF COURSE IT WOULDN’T WORK, HOW DO YOU PRETEND THAT TO WORK??!! ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID??!!

I felt everything was so stupid and nonsense and suddenly I was so unconfident about the work we (I) were doing and I couldn’t stand the situation. We were doing it pityfully and it was their fault.