[Y de repente te das cuenta de que estás dando pasos de gigante hacia un futuro que te aterra, pero que tú has elegido. Y sientes miedo y orgullo, y mariposas en el estómago...]

So... It seems I’m... getting out of the closet. About my autism, that is.

One of the reasons why I finally thought “So what the fuck?” and went aupairing was that my friend M. was doing it, and reading about it in her blog, it looked amazing.

My relationship with M. begun around 2006 in a certain foto-blog plataform and we’ve been in touch via different social networks, and we follow each other blogs. So, she knows about my aspergers. I think she is actually the only person I knew before I found out that knows.

And I decided to come aupairing to Irealnd and I ended up in Co. Cork, were she is. And we met up (for the first time and it was weird and great and whatever).

But the thing is she knows.

And then one saturday night I told F., because I... felt like it.

So she knows too.

And we were chatting the other day and... well, if G. didn’t properly realize what’s going on, then he just sort of did, but it was stated clear that my mind works in a different way at least.

And I’m getting out of the closet and it feels... a lot of different things.

Of course it feels great. I had actually thought of this experience as a way of starting a life that makes me feel better, with less passing and more freedom, right from the instant “So what the fuck?” came into my mind. And being free to be yourself feels fucking great.

And of course it’s hella scary too, I mean, now I suddenly am openly* autistic, and I don’t really know what’s expected from me or to what point I can act like myself and not my passing self, and what aspects of my autistic mind are OK and not creepy to reveal to the people that I want to keep as friends, and how is people going to respond to it? Are they all going to start acting weird and ruin it all? And is it safe? or does it make me just even more vulnerable?

And them I’m proud, because I’m actively taking my own steps towards what I think it should be. Because, come on, asking for the right to be something you’re actually hiding you are is not exactly cool, right? And asking for better conditions and understanding for and about you while you’re not ready to show it is about you is both mean and... mean, right? And when you’re changing that hypocrite part of you (even if it’s only a small part of it, not the whole, not all at once, it feels good, and your self steem suddenly grows, because you don’t really accept yourself until you publicly accept yourself, right?

*Openly with my friends, even just with some of them (the friend-est ones anyway), that is, with the peope I freely relate with,  not with my hostfamily or the people we just hang out with.

I found my spot

It's been two months since I came here aupairing, and they0ve been great, but.
As my bedroom is not my bedroom because my house is not my house and my family are not my family, I was missing having a safe spot.
Having a gorgeous rocking chair in a corner in my bedroom made that absence easier to deal with, but still.

And the other day I found something brilliant in my mail: "Loud Hands". And I started reading it right away, but I felt I needed a safe spot to read it as it deserves to be read.

And I've got to babysit tonight so going all the way to cork to be back early, having into account that there's no bus to come back early, didn't seem a good idea.

So this morning, after all the cries have ceased (it's amazing how much the kids cry when I'm not around) I've got out of bed, had some breakfast, paced some lunch, put "Loud Hands" in my Kindle, and walked away, looking for a nice spot to make mine.

I've walked quite a bit but then: there was a meadow, loud enough to be a nice meadow but not too lopud to make an annoying unpleasant sound; there was trees, and rocks, and this magic green climbing up the trees and covering up the rocks. And there was a nice flat rock with no moss on it and it all was by the tiniest road ever, and there was no houses around and it was perfect.
So I sat there and drank my tea and smoked half a pack of cigarrettes and read and it was perfect.

And when I was coming back I thought of what I need to make it be always perfect and.

I'm very happy right now.


About how it is to be an Aspie-Aupair: well, I'm managing it the same nasty way I manage my whole life-passing, but it's somehow not that hard, or harsh, or whatever. I guess every aupair needs to pass, too.
And I just can't believe how lucky I've been because my kids are amazing and very easy to handle.

There is something, now.

I'm being exploited when it comes to housework.
Somehow or other, I knew it was going to happen from the very begining, and I just chose to accept it.
Because the last (and first) time I tried to live on my own... well... that experience made it clear I couldn't.
But because I've got an enormous sense of obligation, I'm actually able to do everything the house needs to get done here, and you know, maybe I can get used to it, or at least, become permanently aware of what needs to be done, and whatever.

The stuff I'm not managing well are, my showers (sorry for that to everyone around me) and socialising with my host parents (butnow, I didn't really talk to my parents at home, either...).

Even if I shouldn't...

So, you know, me and blogging.
And still, I'm planning to star a brand new blog.
Because I'll be an au-pair as soon as October starts, and everyone else is too and I thought of a separate blog for au-pair matters and stories.

Even if I don't manage to have an only decent blog.
Even if I might not be the best au-pair in the world.

Driving while autistic. Aspxiety.

After doubly recibing the “original Blog Award”, and this time from none else but my highly admired blogger M., I find myself in the need of becoming a decent blogger who writes interesting posts.

But I’ll leave that to growth XD.

I’m only going to write about my little troubling dayly life today, because, for being my hollydays, it’s generating a lot of anxiety.

There are a bunch of factors, mainly a) the fact that I couldn’t escape driving license this Summer, b) that my close word is going through a creepy and disgusting political process in the form of “youngsters’ conspiration” c) the constant harassment A. faces in front of me.

Let’s develop!

a) I will never make a safe driver of myself. 
I don’t even want to drive, I’ve never felt the slighest interest for it. But I live in a very small village with no decent public transport system (I don’t enjoy public transport a single bit, but I prefer that to having to drive myself) and I sometimes need to go to places, such as, you know, class. Mom is sick of driving me, which is understandable, and that’s why I’ve got to take my licence. First of all, let me tell you that both taking the licence and driving in Spain are not as easy as, say, in USA. I’m working on the thorical part of the licence right now, most part of which I think is very stupid. I’ve got issues with studying stuff I consider stupid. But that’s not the problem. The problem are the practical licence and the lessons I will have to face to get it. I just don’t want to. Practical lessons were always a hell for me, even when (as normally happened) I already knew what I had to do. Imagine if I don’t. I’ll have to understand everything the teacher asks me to do, and not be clumpsy, and not be too nervous to move a muscle. And laugh at the teacher’s jokes, which includes identifying them as jokes. I can’t do that. 
And I can't keep a uniform attention level to the loads of things a driver needs to at the same time, and I can't not pay attention to loads of things that a driver needs to ignore. And I get easily overwelmed by stimuli when I'm forcefully paying attention to things, and then I suddenly need to stop working and put my back on a corner and close my eyes and ears and let my brain process all the accumulated stimuli before being able to face the world again. It doesn´t sound safe to do that while driving.

And this may sound horrible for some of you but I’m not anything into doing stuff I don’t think I can do.




Look foward for new posts for points b and c (you may have them both, or one of them, or none, before the day ends).

I'm finished!

Ayer hice el último examen de este curso, y es probable que lo tenga que repetir en septiembre, pero tal y como tengo la cabeza ni siquiera me importa. No creo que me quede ninguna otra así que dedicaré el verano al alemán (que aprobar aprobaré, pero no tengo ni idea) y a Literatura Clásica, que es la que supongo que me quedará.
Quiero aprovechar y acabar de leer todas esas novelas que tenía que leer para el curso y he dejado a medias: The Bluest Eye, The Woman Who Walked Into Doors, Medea, Moll Flanders, Jane Eyre, Frankenstein...
Y me cogeré los libros de tercero prontito para empezar el curso que viene con el primer vistazo ya echado, así que ya os contaré lo que me parecen.

Aunque todavía no está decidido, supongo que me volverán a coger para la ludoteca, y con eso y el bar, ya tengo curro más que de sobra, pero tengo que sumarle las clases particulares (me quiero centrar en el Inglés, que es lo mío, y ya tengo una candidata: G). Y a ver si mi tío decide repetir en la Feria Ornitológica de Ruthland y me lleva de intérprete.

Cabe la posibilidad de que me escape unos días a Madrid este mes para atender un seminario de Lingüística el 18, pero me viene mal porque tendría que marchar el domingo.

Sigo sin tener ninguna intención de sacarme el carnet de conducir porque no quiero, porque no me parece que sea seguro que yo conduzca un coche y porque no y punto así que espero que nadie me insista demasiado (aunque sé que pasará).

La semana que viene, sin falta, me pondré con los posts que tengo pendientes, e intentaré llevar un ritmo de publicación uniforme y continuado durante todo el verano, ya veremos si lo consigo. Y a ver si se me desembota la cabeza y vuelvo al inglés.

¡Ah! Hoy hemos tenido visita de mi prima y a lo mejor me encarga alguna traducción :)

Y estas son mis perspectivas hasta octubre...

When your rivals dissapoint you...

It has happened to me several times that, after hearing/reading something that really annoys me, like, enought to give a reply, it is missunderstood, often as a possitive comment.
In that cases the severe idiocy of the person I'm trying to comunicate with dissapoints that much it leaves me with nothing else to say.

And it happened yesterday.
April is coming so the web is full of what I call "Autism Awareness Bullshit" and I ran into a gorgeous example on twitter.
I'm going to reproduce that and the subsequent conversation here for you to enjoy:

• @Kittysolpink said: "Remember next month is Autism awareness. Hoping for a cure for all those dealing with this condition."
• I (@SaiShi_Shi) couldn't stop myself and replied: "@Kittysolpink I've got #Aspergers and I'm hoping for a cure for all those dealing with your condition."
• The brilliant answer I got was:"@SaiShi_Shi I do not have the condition my nephew those."

I just managed to assume she meant "does" when wrote "those" in that last tweet. Everything else is buried that deep in idiocy it keeps being a mystery for me.

Maybe twitter need italics, or bolds, or something...

The Loud Hands Project

I should be studying so I'm not going to share any kind of personal experience or thought regarding this. I just think a look (at least) is worth it. The video is a really beautiful thing.

The project has got a facebook page, a twitter account and a tumblr page full of information.

They need money, even if they've already achieved their first goal. If you want to donate, here is their Indie gogo site.

Debería estar estudiando así que no voy a compartir ningun tipo de experiencia personal o reflexión sobre esto. Sólo quería decir que echar un ojo (al menos) merece la pena. El vídeo es algo verdaderamente precioso.

El proyecto tiene facebook, twitter y una cuenta en tumblr llena de información.

Necesitan dinero a pesar de que ya han alcanzado la primera meta. Si quieres donar, accede a su página en Indie gogo.

I am annoyed

So, the thing is I have logged in my account at the website of my university and there was like a huge link to a new about how a certain disabled girl has brilliantly ended a course there, a thanks letter from her mum and that stuff.
But there wasn´t a single word about which was the disability or in what way it difficulted the girl's learning.


Because, you know, every disabled person is equaly stupid so it´s always a good point to any uni to have helped any of those idiots' sweet and brave attempt of learning anything.


I am annoyed.


I will not make a case like this because I am not diagnosed, but you know, what if I was? I'm a sort of language genious getting a degree on English, but still, there will be a honey covered article about how a sweet young disabled girl had, with all her innate strenght, the teaching teams help and her classmates' good will, succesfully ended her studies and blah, blah, the day I graduated, even if I need none's help to study English by correspondence.

Raphael

So...
Hi from Dublin!!
Yesterday night my hostel room mate taugh me hot to create a camping gas out of a beer can.
Ashtray was pretty cool.
Sadly I had to change hostels and I don't like this one a single bit...
And... nothing else (well, there's really a lot about disabilities and how I unconciously take advantage on other disabled people, which just means: another one of the room mates was a stutterer and I had no problem to have looooong stupid conversations with him, what I do with none, but he had).

And mhh... I don't know.

Guys make me nervous (this is a summary of the whole summer-)
and...
By-by!!

Autismo sin mitos ni usos peyorativos.

Imagen de Santiago Ogazón

Se sigue utilizando el término “autismo” asociado a connotaciones negativas porque se parte de mitos e informaciones falsas como:



- las personas con autismo no pueden interactuar o comunicarse



- las personas con autismo viven en su mundo



- las personas con autismo son incapaces de sentir, etc.



Y ello da pie a que cada vez más periodistas, políticos o líderes de opinión se sumen al uso abusivo del término “autista” para descalificar. Es decir, leemos en los medios de comunicación o escuchamos en boca de políticos «gobierno autista» o «fulanito es autista» cuando quieren expresar que ese gobierno o esa persona no cumple con su trabajo, no escucha, no se entera de la realidad, no muestra empatía con los problemas, es incapaz de ofrecer soluciones o carece de sentimientos.



¿Por qué hace falta recurrir –y herir con ello la dignidad- a un colectivo de personas para atacar y descalificar a otra persona o colectivo?



Entendemos que no hay mala intención, sino desconocimiento o mal uso del diccionario. Convivir con el autismo implica también una importante labor de concienciación en la sociedad: convenceremos siempre desde el respeto. Lo desconocido, además de asustar, alienta la difusión de informaciones falsas. Tenemos que dar a conocer la visión positiva del autismo a la par de fomentar un tratamiento digno para todos los afectados. Un gran trabajo por delante.

Ilustración de Fátima Collado

Autismo no es sinónimo de personas indiferentes que viven aisladas en su mundo. Las personas con autismo sienten, interactúan, se comunican –con o sin lenguaje-, comparten, son luchadores natos que se esfuerzan a diario y les es difícil entender la ironía, los juegos de palabras o la mentira –pero hasta eso aprenden en muchos casos con la estimulación adecuada-. Si se conociera la realidad del autismo, a nadie se le ocurriría más que asociarlo con “superación”, “esfuerzo”, “nobleza”, “cariño” o “sensibilidad”.



La prevalencia del autismo hoy en día es lo suficientemente significativa como para promover acciones de información y sensibilización, con afirmaciones que se apoyen en evidencias científicas y ajustadas a la realidad. Según el Instituto de Salud Carlos III, uno de cada 150 niños presenta algún trastorno dentro del espectro. Hay más de 200.000 afectados en España y 67 millones en todo el mundo. Hoy en día, los avances se producen siempre y, muchas veces, a pasos de gigante. Con una estimulación adecuada, cuanto más intensa mejor, evolucionan hacia metas impensables hace unos años. Por eso, debemos luchar todos juntos para favorecer la inclusión.

¿Qué es el autismo?

Ilustración de Fátima Collado

El autismo es un síndrome con un espectro muy amplio, no una enfermedad. Afecta de forma diferente, así que no hay dos personas con autismo iguales y por eso no se puede nunca generalizar. Las áreas en las que se manifiesta son:



•Dificultades –no incapacidad- en el lenguaje y la comunicación. Encontraremos personas que no hablan pero se comunican con gestos o pictogramas, y personas capaces de dominar varios idiomas.



•Dificultades –no incapacidad- en las relaciones sociales. Encontraremos personas que eluden el contacto visual o se aturden en ambientes ruidosos, y personas que ofrecen conferencias.



•Intereses restringidos y repetitivos, que con una buena estimulación pueden ampliarse siempre.



Al igual que todos los seres humanos, la posible realización de las personas con espectro autista es ilimitada. Las personas con Trastornos del Espectro Autista (TEA) comparten muchas características, necesidades y deseos con las personas de su edad sin autismo. Hay muchas cosas que diferencian a las personas con TEA, pero también hay muchas cosas en común. Como todos nosotros, tienen sus puntos fuertes y sus puntos débiles. Todos somos diferentes, pero todos tenemos los mismos derechos.

Los mitos que se deben evitar

Ilustración de Fátima Collado

•Carencia de sentimientos. Las personas con autismo sienten: lloran, se ríen, se alegran, se entristecen, se enfadan, sienten celos… En ocasiones pueden tener dificultades para canalizar las emociones, pero saben demostrar que las sienten.



•Aislamiento en su propio mundo. Los esfuerzos por comunicarse son grandiosos. Ni viven en otra galaxia ni mirando a una pared. Forman parte del mundo, una sociedad donde hay cabida para la diversidad.



•La falta del cariño de los padres provoca el autismo. Hace ya mucho tiempo que se erradicó la teoría de las “madres-nevera”, que tanto daño ha provocado. Se nace con autismo. Es decir, hay un origen genético.



•Las personas con autismo tienen discapacidad intelectual o, por el contrario, son capaces de habilidades prodigiosas. En realidad, el retraso mental es una comorbilidad, no una condición propia del autismo. Hay personas con autismo que además tienen discapacidad intelectual y las hay también que no la tienen; las hay que tienen capacidades asombrosas, y las hay que no las tienen. Pero necesitamos todo tipo de mentes, sin discriminar a nadie.



•La inevitable segregación. Debe desterrarse la falsa creencia de que las personas con autismo sólo pueden vivir o desarrollarse en centros segregados, sin relación con el resto de las personas, no con la intención de marginarlas, sino de protegerlas. Esto en ningún caso debe ser así. Al contrario, la inclusión social es una de las claves para lograr una mejora de la calidad de vida de las personas con TEA y un factor esencial para incrementar sus capacidades de adaptación, su desarrollo personal y su calidad de vida. Con los apoyos adecuados, las personas con TEA pueden aprovechar las oportunidades de participación en entornos ordinarios, lo que favorece que puedan disfrutar de una vida social integrada y normalizada, y contribuye a su desarrollo personal.



•La infancia permanente. Con demasiada frecuencia, los medios hablan de "niños autistas", pero casi nunca de "adultos autistas". Es necesario que la sociedad conozca y entienda tanto a los niños como a los adultos afectados por autismo.



• Son autistas. Mejor emplear la fórmula "persona con autismo" en lugar de utilizar simplemente la palabra "autista". Así se pone de relieve la condición de persona, con sus características y diferencias, independientes del autismo. Además, definir a una persona por una discapacidad es una forma de discriminación.



•Definición de los diccionarios. El uso del autismo asociado a connotaciones negativas se escuda en ocasiones en la definición que aparece en los diccionarios, sobre todo el DRAE. Hace ya más de un año que iniciamos una campaña con respuestas positivas en el sentido de que van a cambiar la definición, aunque llevará su tiempo

Etiquetas y mitos

View more presentations from Almu G. Negrete

Ilustración de Fátima Collado

Ilustración de Santiago Ogazón

RECUERDA: "Las personas con autismo sí nos comunicamos, nos esforzamos a diario, sentimos y no somos ni indiferentes ni vivimos en nuestro mundo. Con o sin lenguaje, tenemos mucho que decir. Escúchanos y conócenos en lugar de difundir mitos o utilizar “autismo” para descalificar a otras personas".

Ilustración de Fátima Collado

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copia-pegado de: http://laorugadormida.blogspot.com/2011/09/autismo-sin-mitos-ni-usos-peyorativos.

The whole Summer

without posting anything. Such a shame.

Os debo una entrada hecha y derecha y varias explicaciones, pero eso será otro día.

Hoy sólo quiero publicar esta otra entrada.

It has begun

New post in English, sorry about the errors.

So the exam of Linguistics has been OK, but I've got a problem with the oral exam I'm supposed to do this afternoon for English.

The thing is that it has to be done with a specific program on a specific web which keeps giving me problems at home, so I have to make it on the computer room here on the Uni.

I'm sipposed to talk to a computer while being surrounded by people, some of them doing the same and some waiting for me to finish so they can do it.

Oh please, I can not make such a thing!

I'm feeling the anxiety growing on me since Monday, and it is troubleing my study. Oh shit! I'm turning back to being a freaked out chaos worth absolutely nothing.

In addition, I'm having lunch at my Grandma's and there is a chance that my cousin N. (can't find a proper name for her) will be eating there too. Mhh- my cousing trated me like if I was a complete idiot the last time I saw her and I've benn avopiding her since.

So I’m trying to write this in English

 [Yesterday was such an awful day- and I tried to change my template, the other one was definitely uncomfortable, but blogger wouldn't want to, so I've just done it, like it? and exams on 20 days and I’ve done nothing in the whole term]

There’s a few days since I decided to write something about I. I. Is a mentally disabled young man I met when working in Disabled Summer Camps. He had violent attacks and I, between the whole working team, was his favourite subject for them. So I was afraid of him. He would grab me by the arm, put a terror movie mad man’s face and strongly stick his nails on it. He wouldn’t stop whatever a did/said until some guy (normally my beloved elf) came and told him to stop. So I was afraid of him. So when the attack was finished and he was a nice guy back, I would tell him “Stay away” and he would sit down a couple of metres away from me and i would tell “far away” and he would stand up and walk five more metres and sit down again. And then I would feel guilty and horrible for treating him that way.

I was specially afraid of waking him up at mornings to give him his medicines because that meant to be alone with him when everyone else was sleeping and I would have to scream out for help if I wanted my Elf to come and save me. I’m not exactly good on asking for help... But I. Would never harm me in that situation.

Tehn there was the bus thing. When the camp was finished two of us would have to go on the bus whith the group. That year it was another girl and me, which meant big problems if I. gor violent. So I was, obviously, afraid once more. It was about the middle of the journey (it was not a long one) when I. stood up from his place on the front of the bus, walked all the way to the back where we were and sat down in the free place beside me. I was terrified. He held my arm and said “Home” and then he smiled. I felt so sorry for him. I don’t know what his disability was because we weren’t told, and I wish i knew because he was on a camp to have a good time and he obviously had a bad one. That moment on the bus made me feel he was sweet, but I haven’t seen his smile until that very moment.

And well, now I’m speaking about how we didn’t know any medical details about the people we were treating. It was part of the privacy policy of the centre they lived on: we were not doctors so we didn’t need to know. I didn’t like this and it proved extremely unefective:

There was “C.”

“C.” Apparently was a tranquil mentally retarded middle age woman with self-violence attacks and that was all we could see so we treated “her” having that into account.

Then one day, the nurse would speak too much and told some of us what follows: <<“C.” has 28 diagnosed personalities>>.

So I got totally mad. So we had been treating 28 as if they were 1. OF COURSE IT WOULDN’T WORK, HOW DO YOU PRETEND THAT TO WORK??!! ARE YOU REALLY THAT STUPID??!!

I felt everything was so stupid and nonsense and suddenly I was so unconfident about the work we (I) were doing and I couldn’t stand the situation. We were doing it pityfully and it was their fault.