Even now, when being in love feels great no matter how unrequited it is (apparently not too much), it terrifies me.
Wasting my only chance to make you love me terrifies me,
Letting you fade away from my life terrifies me,
Screwing our friendship up terrifies me,
Taking steps towards you without your previous consent terrrifies me,
Using pressure until you can not scape terrifies me,
Making you run away terrifies me,
Letting go of you terrifies me,
Repenting terrifies me,
Being so afraid terrifies me,
Not being able to tell what I feel and how I feel it terrifies me,
Feeling this much terrifies me,
The way my friends talk about my terror terrifies me,
Crying about it terrifies me,
The closeness of the day when you'll leave terrifies me,
Not being here when you go terrifies me,
Never getting to kiss you terrifies me,
Not being the one for you if you are the one for me terrifies me,
The estructural deepness of the difference between liking you and liking all the other people I've liked terrifies me,
The cozyness of your gaze terrifies me,
Letting go of your hugs terrifies me,
Dissaponting you terrifies me,
It all terrifies me...
... so much that my body just stop working.
And that terrifies me, too.
2013/05/14
What now?
Exactly why has all my reading list disappeared into thin air?
Building it again from scratch is just... tiresome. Ah, and annoying.
Building it again from scratch is just... tiresome. Ah, and annoying.
2013/03/07
Slightly...
...depressed.
But mostly anxious.
Because whem M. and I started planning our future here everything was going to be awesome and great and I even knew who the father of my children was going to be*, and I still believe it's going to be all of that, but making it is not easy at all.
Which kind of felt great at the begining because it was almost like a dare and I'm basque so I love dares, or something, but lately, it's been wasting me just too much.
And I need to keep going. Shit. I need to go even faster and further.
But it's been ages since I run out of spoons for this.
And the good tiny little detais don't feel that good anymore because I'm grown used to them, and the shitty tiny little details make me opressively depressed.
Because.
We've made lots of decissions, and have taken one heavy step forward after the other, and right now, I've only got one thing left to do (and yes it's the biggest thing off them all but it is still only one) and after this weekend everything on our part will be done, but we will still be, physically, at the starting point.
And what do you do then? Well, you gather the reamins of your strength and start over again.
And if you've got no remaining stregth left? Well, you either let yourself die in a ditch, or you pretend you do have some left and start over again.
Even if you are too tired to do anything but curling up in a corner and rocking and crying tiny tears.
That big massive only thing I've got left to do happens to be as big and massive as handing my CV in every... everywhere. I was suposed to do it today, but when I looked myself in the mirror I saw a terrible ghost that nobody would ever want to hire. And that's my mian problem right now: I'm so wasted that the fact that I can't do it doesn't matter anymore because even if I did it it'd be useless, given my state.
I might just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but I really feel so down I've actually been thinking of letting anxiety get over me and going back home and coming back after summer. Or for summer. Or whatever. And not letting myself do that is devouring my own stomach and....
Whatever.
I'm going to stop this meaningless whining. (You know what's the worst of all? That I'm still going to publish this because... because...)
*Imagine having an answer for this even without the slightest intention of actually having any children...
But mostly anxious.
Because whem M. and I started planning our future here everything was going to be awesome and great and I even knew who the father of my children was going to be*, and I still believe it's going to be all of that, but making it is not easy at all.
Which kind of felt great at the begining because it was almost like a dare and I'm basque so I love dares, or something, but lately, it's been wasting me just too much.
And I need to keep going. Shit. I need to go even faster and further.
But it's been ages since I run out of spoons for this.
And the good tiny little detais don't feel that good anymore because I'm grown used to them, and the shitty tiny little details make me opressively depressed.
Because.
We've made lots of decissions, and have taken one heavy step forward after the other, and right now, I've only got one thing left to do (and yes it's the biggest thing off them all but it is still only one) and after this weekend everything on our part will be done, but we will still be, physically, at the starting point.
And what do you do then? Well, you gather the reamins of your strength and start over again.
And if you've got no remaining stregth left? Well, you either let yourself die in a ditch, or you pretend you do have some left and start over again.
Even if you are too tired to do anything but curling up in a corner and rocking and crying tiny tears.
That big massive only thing I've got left to do happens to be as big and massive as handing my CV in every... everywhere. I was suposed to do it today, but when I looked myself in the mirror I saw a terrible ghost that nobody would ever want to hire. And that's my mian problem right now: I'm so wasted that the fact that I can't do it doesn't matter anymore because even if I did it it'd be useless, given my state.
I might just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but I really feel so down I've actually been thinking of letting anxiety get over me and going back home and coming back after summer. Or for summer. Or whatever. And not letting myself do that is devouring my own stomach and....
Whatever.
I'm going to stop this meaningless whining. (You know what's the worst of all? That I'm still going to publish this because... because...)
*Imagine having an answer for this even without the slightest intention of actually having any children...
2013/01/27
Privacy
What do you do when you can not blurt stuff out in either of your blogs anymore because some of your readers actually have an active rol in your life?
Do you get a new mail accout and start another brand new blog?
Do you just write it on post-its and stick it on your bedroom wall?
Do you click "publish" anyway because you don't give a fuck?
Do you let anxiety get over yourself and buble whatever thing is bothering you while rocking in your corner?
Do you let it unsaid, as you had done all your life before you started blogging? Do you let your annoyance, fear, anxiety and worries control your decission? Do you repent for having ever typed a single word?
Do you get a new mail accout and start another brand new blog?
Do you just write it on post-its and stick it on your bedroom wall?
Do you click "publish" anyway because you don't give a fuck?
Do you let anxiety get over yourself and buble whatever thing is bothering you while rocking in your corner?
Do you let it unsaid, as you had done all your life before you started blogging? Do you let your annoyance, fear, anxiety and worries control your decission? Do you repent for having ever typed a single word?
2013/01/03
I know it's a little late for this, but: New Year's Meme
I got the meme from Voxcorvegis.
Here I come:
1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I came au-pairing. I stimmed in public being concious of what I was doing. I met M. in person. I let R. kiss me and I cried for him. A. went all the way from Sevilla to my house to visit me.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't normally do proper new years resolutions. The olny resolution I remember taking last year (as always) is "OK, I'm gonna start seriously studying" and it wasn't realted to the new year, just to the exams the last week of January. I didn't keep it (but I passed everything).
3. How (will you be spending) /did you spend New Year’s Eve?
I had a lovely Spanish dinner with M., J., and L. at L.'s house, we sort of went out and then we all slept together. It was bizarre and nice.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Maki, my dog, died last winter. R.'s dad died too, and F. too. Lot's of deaths, actually...
5. What countries did you visit?
Ireland.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Sanity. And spoons enough to want to have a couple.
7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 25, because I felt bad, stupid and ridiculous. September 28 because it's the day I got to Cork and December 23, because there's something it hurts about small coincidences.
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Mhhh... I'm mastering my spoons pretty well... and I passed a subject having opened it's books only the day of the exam.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't have spoons enough to want to have a relationship with someone, no matter how much I like them.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Throat infection, as always, a fair share of anxiety, and that's it.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Here I come:
1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I came au-pairing. I stimmed in public being concious of what I was doing. I met M. in person. I let R. kiss me and I cried for him. A. went all the way from Sevilla to my house to visit me.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't normally do proper new years resolutions. The olny resolution I remember taking last year (as always) is "OK, I'm gonna start seriously studying" and it wasn't realted to the new year, just to the exams the last week of January. I didn't keep it (but I passed everything).
3. How (will you be spending) /did you spend New Year’s Eve?
I had a lovely Spanish dinner with M., J., and L. at L.'s house, we sort of went out and then we all slept together. It was bizarre and nice.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Maki, my dog, died last winter. R.'s dad died too, and F. too. Lot's of deaths, actually...
5. What countries did you visit?
Ireland.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Sanity. And spoons enough to want to have a couple.
7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 25, because I felt bad, stupid and ridiculous. September 28 because it's the day I got to Cork and December 23, because there's something it hurts about small coincidences.
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
Mhhh... I'm mastering my spoons pretty well... and I passed a subject having opened it's books only the day of the exam.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't have spoons enough to want to have a relationship with someone, no matter how much I like them.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Throat infection, as always, a fair share of anxiety, and that's it.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Mh... can't think of anything remarcable.
12. Where did most of your money go?
University.
13. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Paradise by Coldplay, probably. And Ken Zazpi's Zapalduen Olerkia.
14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Studying, specially German.
15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Nothing? Now, literally, nothing, like, spacing out.
16. What was your favorite TV program?
Big Bang Theory, for a change. And, like, from October on, my favorite show from the ones I actually get to see would be... hold on tight... Austin and Ally.
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I can't remember hating anyone. Actively, I mean.
18. What was the best book you read?
I didn't read that much this year. I liked The Woman who Walked into Doors a lot.
19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Brook Davis :)
20. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey. What else.
21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I got to be 22. I didn't do anything special, holding to the lame excuse that my birthday is during exams season.
22. What kept you sane?
Knowing and being conscious of my insanity, and some people who's willing to help.
23. Who did you miss?
I miss R. and E. and M1. I don't really miss my parents.
24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned.
Oh I learnt and practised a lot thinking/saying "Whatever" and walking away when I didn't like someone or what someone was saying.
25. What does 2013 hold for me?
It hold for precious months here and it holds going back home. It holds post exams holiday in London. It holds starting my last year to get my degree. It holds facing and doing soething about my father's disease. It probably holds a huge lot of frustration, stress and anxiety.
It looks 2012 was a pretty plain year up to October xD thanks Cork and everyone there :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)